You Shouldn’t Use Penis Weights — but If You Want to Anyway, Read This First

The most common question I get asked is: “How do you know if someone’s got a big enough man-hole?”

I always reply with a simple answer: “If they don’t have one.” And then I add, “And if they’re not going to use it.”

It seems like everyone wants to know how much their junk measures up. But let me tell you right now, there are no easy answers. There are only questions that need answering.

So here goes…


How Much Do Men Have?

There are two ways to measure a man’s size. One is to take off his pants and see what comes out, or the other way is to hang him upside down from the ceiling so he can’t move. Both methods give you different results. (See the photo at left. Note that my friend is wearing boxers.)

To take off his pants, all you need to do is pull them down past his ankles. That’s it! To hang him from the ceiling, you’ll need something a little stronger than string.

A rope works fine for me; just tie it around the base of your neck and loop it over your head. Then, using a pulley system (see picture), attach the rope to a weight hanging from the ceiling. Once you hoist him up, stand back and admire your work.

When I measure my buddies, I need a little more than just a tape measure. It’s not enough to just see how much comes out when they take a whiz. I will need to weigh them before hanging them upside down and then do some simple math.

Don’t worry; you don’t need to learn any math to measure yourself. I’ve created a special tool for you to use. Rather, it’s a special tool that I created for me to use on other men.

It will save you the embarrassment of asking your friends if they’d be up for being hung by their neck for a little while (they won’t) and it will also spare them from having to get naked (some guys are bashful, you know).

See that little box to the right?

You can use it to measure yourself. It’s very simple. Just follow these directions and you’ll be all set.

First, you will need to remove your pants and underwear. Then you will need to bend over and place your thumbs in your back pockets. Try to keep your legs straight and not stick your butt out too much.

Once in this position, press the forward button. A reading will appear in the little window. Don’t get up yet; you still need to hit the reset button. This will give you your baseline reading. Now, stand up and measure your erect length by pressing the forward button again.

Don’t forget to hit the reset button after you take your measurement!

It’s also a good idea to take this measurement every week or so. It’s not necessary to do it daily. That will just lead to problems and misunderstandings.


How Big Is Average?

You might be wondering how you measure up. Well, wonder no more! Just scroll down to the table below and find your measurement and you’ll see how you rank.


Are There Any Benefits to Having a Large Johnson?

Besides the obvious benefits of having a large anything, having a large johnson can present some advantages. I have researched this matter thoroughly by interviewing men and women alike. These are their responses.

Women Who Like Small Penises:

“I like his little guy. It’s cute and fun to play with.”

“It’s easier to handle.”

“It’s adorable!”

“His willy is like a cute little puppy.”

“He can wear underwear and you still get to see everything.”

“It fits better in my mouth.”

“I don’t have to take a break every five minutes.”

“I feel like I’m in high school again.”

“It’s like snorting coke, there’s none of that loss of sensation that you get from the cold medicine.”

“It makes me feel like I’m in high school again.”

Women Who Don’t Care Either Way:

“It doesn’t make any difference to me.”

“It’s more about what you do with it, than what it is. Of course, it’s nice when they’re well hung, but you already know that.”

“It feels about the same no matter what size it is.”

“If it’s big, I don’t want to deal with the ego. If it’s small, I don’t want to have to tell him what to do in bed all the time.”

“I prefer average. It’s more of a challenge.”

“He can still get the job done.”

“I’m not a size queen.”

“It’s okay as long as there’s a lot of foreplay.”

It’s like the age old question: Would you rather go big or go home?

I say go home and save the environment. (

What? Too much information?


“Size doesn’t matter unless you’re a virgin. Then it’s all you can think about.”

“I don’t care as long as I don’t feel like I’m in Painstown, Ukiah (a small town in Cali with a bad economy) and he knows what he’s doing. “

“Some guys are way too hung up on their size.”

“That’s the first thing I look at. If he’s got a nice one, then great. If not, he better have other skills.”

“I don’t care as long as he knows how to use it.”

“It’s not important.”

“It’s like a foot long, but he’s got no game. It’s still not that important.”

“It’s not what you do, it’s how you do it.”

“It’s like a really big car. Sure it’s nice, but it doesn’t make the drive any nicer.”

“Size is relative. It’s only important if you’re comparing to something and since I don’t there’s nothing wrong with small.”

“A good heart trumps a big hog any day of the week!”

Sources & references used in this article:

“If you’re reading this, it’s because I’ve died”: Masculinity and relational risk in BASE jumping by J Laurendeau – Sociology of Sport Journal, 2011 –

Treasure your exceptions: The science and life of William Bateson by A Cock, DR Forsdyke – 2008 –

The significance of penis envy in women by M Torok – Gender & Envy, 1998 –

Research methods and statistics in psychology by H Coolican – 2018 –

Results now: How we can achieve unprecedented improvements in teaching and learning by M Schmoker – 2006 –