What Is Disorganized Attachment?
Disordered attachment is a pattern of behavior in which one or both partners are overly dependent on each other. This may include being excessively attached to their partner, but not willing to make the effort to leave them when they aren’t needed. A person with disordered attachment will often feel like they have no control over their life and will try very hard to please their partner even if it means putting themselves at risk. They may also become extremely clingy and inflexible. If either partner displays any signs of depression, anxiety or substance abuse, then the relationship is likely to suffer.
In some cases, a person with disordered attachment may actually start to enjoy their partner’s company because they feel so secure around them. However, this doesn’t mean that they don’t still need their own space and independence.
When a couple has problems with disordered attachment, there are several different ways this can manifest itself:
The couple may fight all the time. This causes them to become less connected and less happy.
They may argue constantly about trivial things such as money or politics. These arguments cause them to lose touch with reality and disconnect from each other completely.
One partner may withdraw emotionally, becoming cold and distant towards the other partner.
One partner may be very controlling towards the other. They may use threats or actual physical violence to get their way.
One partner may constantly chase after the other. For example, they may cry, scream or become otherwise emotionally unstable to try and get the other to spend more time with them.
One partner may have a substance abuse problem. This can cause them to have difficulty parenting or performing their job.
One or both partners may suffer from depression or anxiety that causes them to behave in a manner that is less than ideal.
One partner may be lying or keeping secrets from the other. This could include hiding money from them, having an online affair or having a relationship with someone else.
Disorganized attachment and ambivalent attachment styles are particularly problematic in relationships because they can cause your partner to become excessively clingy towards you and refuse to leave you alone. If you have a partner with either of these attachment styles, then it’s important to spend some time away from them. It’s also important to maintain your boundaries, particularly if they try to cross the line and become physically or verbally abusive towards you.
You may also find it helpful to seek the help of a professional counselor if the situation at home becomes more than you can handle.
How To Deal With A Disorganized Or Ambivalent Attachment Style
Dealing with a disorganized or ambivalent attachment style can be a challenge because these types of people tend to lack clear boundaries. They can also be very manipulative and may try to use other tactics such as gaslighting or lying in order to get attention.
If you have a partner with a disorganized or ambivalent attachment style, it’s important to set clear and firm boundaries. While you may love this person, you can’t let them invade your personal space, particularly if they begin to exhibit controlling or abusive behavior. If your partner has a substance abuse problem, it’s important that you seek help for their addiction because they may use it as an excuse to behave in an inappropriate manner towards you.
If your partner suffers from depression or anxiety, it’s important that you try to find a way to help them manage these negative feelings. You may want to seek the help of a professional counselor or psychiatrist for them because this will allow them to have a better mindset and manage those feelings in a better way.
In some cases, a relationship may be so severely damaged by attachment insecurity that it simply can’t be repaired. In these cases, it may be wise to move on and end the relationship with your partner if you start to feel like they are a toxic influence in your life.
Dealing With An Attachment Addiction
Some people find themselves addicted to being in a relationship. They may not even be consciously aware that they’re doing it and instead think that they genuinely like this person. In other words, they’re using the relationship to fill a void in their life or to avoid dealing with their own personal issues.
When you have a partner who has an attachment addiction, you may find that they’re very needy. They may want to spend a lot of time with you and get angry or upset if you don’t. They may also try to isolate you from your friends and family.
If your partner is addicted to attachment, you should try to set clear boundaries. While it’s okay to spend time with this person, you also need to have time to yourself. Your partner may become angry or upset if you don’t spend enough time with them so it’s important that you make them aware of this before they start trying to guilt trip you. It’s also important that you don’t give in to their attempts at manipulation because this will only reinforce the negative behavior.
How To Deal With A Person With Anxious Attachment
Dealing with a person who has an anxious attachment style can be frustrating because they will always need constant reassurance of your feelings towards them. They may also try to test you by doing things they know will make you angry or upset as a way to see if your feelings for them are genuine.
It’s important to remember that it’s not your responsibility to calm someone with an anxious attachment style down. In fact, you may find that it’s easier to deal with them if you keep a bit of distance. If they begin sending you angry texts or calling you because they’re upset about something that you did, it’s okay to tell them that you’d be glad to speak with them when you see them next but you aren’t going to deal with an argument through messages or over the phone.
People who suffer from an anxious attachment style may have trust issues in relationships and this can lead them to lash out at you. If your partner has verbally or physically abused you in the past, it’s important that you have a plan for how you’re going to deal with it. In some cases, it may be best to stay with a friend or family member until the issue has calmed down. This gives you a safe place to stay as well as someone to help intervene if necessary.
People with anxious attachment styles may also suffer from depression or other mental illnesses so it’s important that you try to get them to seek professional help if you can. It won’t be easy, but it’s important that they understand that their behavior is not acceptable and they need to get treatment if they want to continue the relationship.
How To Deal With A Person With Avoidant Attachment
People with avoidant attachment styles aren’t usually deliberately trying to hurt you. Instead, they may not even realize that their actions affect you in a negative way. You may want to suggest that they seek therapy for their avoidant style but ultimately it’s up to them if they accept the help or not.
People with avoidant attachment may have trust issues and struggle to move past the fear of getting too close to someone. They may act distant or cold at times but it doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t have feelings for you. It just means that they have a difficult time expressing themselves.
If you’re in a relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style, you should try to be patient. Don’t pressure them into something that they aren’t comfortable with. Offer your support and show them that you care but understand that they may always have a bit of a guarded heart. This doesn’t mean that your relationship won’t be fulfilling or rewarding, it just means that you may always need to work at keeping the relationship strong.
How To Deal With A Person With An Abandonment Depression
Sometimes a person who suffers from an abandonment depression can be dangerous. This is especially true if they’ve become violent in the past or abused substances. You need to remember that getting too close to someone who suffers from an abandonment depression can be dangerous.
However, there are cases where people with abandonment depression become so used to being hurt and abandoned by others that they’re willing to take a chance on someone who shows them kindness. If you know someone with an abandonment depression, it’s best not to push them too hard. Just let them know that you’re there if they ever want to talk or hang out.
If you’ve been able to build up a healthy relationship with someone who has an abandonment depression, it’s best not to abandon them when times get tough. While everyone experiences sadness and despair from time to time, people with abandonment depression can experience these feelings more intensely. Just be there for them when they need you the most and you could help them overcome their insecurities.
What To Do If Someone Has An Attachment Problem
Sometimes people with attachment problems are reluctant to see a therapist on their own. This is especially true if they feel as though the problem they’re experiencing isn’t a “big deal.” One of the best ways you can help is to go with them to a couple’s counselor or suggest that they see someone on their own. Sometimes it just takes a little push in the right direction before someone is willing to get the help they need.
As you work on improving your relationship with someone who has attachment problems, be sure to focus on the positive changes that are happening and not the problems. This is a time when encouragement is needed the most.
How To Deal With A Person With An Abandonment Depression
Sometimes people with abandonment depression can become unpredictable. They may experience a severe drop in mood, become angry or even violent without much warning. If you know someone with this condition, it’s best to stay away from them when they’re in this state. They may say things that they don’t mean and take things a bit too literally.
If you must speak with someone who suffers from an abandonment depression, make sure that you keep the conversation short and stay as positive as possible. You don’t want to be the cause of their mood plummeting further. If things start to get too heavy or if they say something that upsets you, don’t be afraid to walk away.
Remember that it’s not your place to punish someone who has experienced a lot of trauma in life. While walking away may be frustrating at first, it’s better for you in the long run and will help you avoid the temptation of saying something you’ll later regret.
Chapter 5 – Dealing With Jealousy
While jealousy can sometimes be a good thing (i.e. it makes us protective of our loved ones and motivated to achieve goals), it can also cause problems in relationships when people don’t know how to control the feeling or let it consume them. If you ever find yourself getting jealous in a relationship, the best thing you can do is express your concerns.
Chances are the person you’re with feels the same way, they’re just either too shy to bring it up or don’t know how to deal with it.
People can experience jealousy for a number of reasons and it can sometimes be difficult to tell the difference between “real” jealousy and insecurities. As a general rule, if you feel as though you’re in control of your emotions and the feeling goes away when the person quiets their insecurities, then it’s probably just a temporary case of jealousy. On the other hand, if you find yourself struggling to overcome the feeling or secretly wishing ill-will on the person you’re dating, then you may have some deeper issues that need to be addressed.
What To Do When You’re Jealous
There are a lot of different ways in which people react when they’re feeling jealous. Some people lash out (often at the person they’re jealous of), while others shut down completely. It’s important to keep in mind that neither method is effective and will probably only make things worse.
Instead of taking any immediate action, sit down and have a calm discussion with your loved one. It’s important to remain as calm and rational as possible because this will help them feel more comfortable and willing to talk with you about it. If you need to take some time to cool off before having this discussion, then by all means do so.
Before having this talk, think about WHY you’re feeling jealous.
Is it something that you’re just not used to or did this come out of nowhere?
If this came out of nowhere, then your loved one may have some explaining to do. On the other hand, if this is a reoccurring feeling (or even a constant feeling), then you may want to address that as well. The sooner you can identify the cause of your feelings, the sooner you and your partner can work together to resolve the issue at hand.
When having the discussion with your loved one, try to stick to the facts as much as possible. For example, if you’re feeling jealous of all the time they spend with their friends, explain that you feel like you’re left out and could use some more one-on-one time with them. If, however, you feel like they’re flirting with everyone they meet, then that’s a whole different story and should probably be addressed as such.
In some situations, you may find that your loved one IS at fault. Now, this isn’t a case where you get to start yelling and accusing them of cheating or anything like that. You need to remain as calm as ever and make them see why what they’re doing is harmful to the relationship. Chances are, if they realize they’re in the wrong, they’ll apologize and try to make things right.
It’s in situations like these where communication is most vital.
How To Prevent Jealousy
As anyone who’s dealt with the green-eyed monster will tell you, jealousy is a hard thing to deal with. It can cause people to say and do things they normally wouldn’t and it usually causes a whole mess of problems that never should’ve happened in the first place.
If you or someone you know is prone to bouts of jealousy, there are a few things you can do in order to prevent those instances from happening. The most important thing is communication. As was previously mentioned, talking out your problems is a great way to resolve them and will cut down on the amount of jealousy in your relationship tenfold.
Another thing you can do is keep yourselves occupied as a couple. A lot of the time people get jealous when they feel like their partner is pulling away from them, so doing couple-y things together will help alleviate that. It’s even better if you can involve your friends in these activities as it creates a double-date sort of atmosphere.
Of course, none of this will work if you or your partner just can’t help getting jealous over everything. This could be for a number of reasons ranging from trust issues to low self esteem. If you think this may be the case, it may be a good idea to seek out professional help. There are trained counselors who can help you work through these problems in a healthy manner so you don’t have to deal with the downsides of jealousy anymore.
So, there you have it, a guide to dealing with and preventing jealousy in your relationships. It’s not the most fun topic in the world, but it’s an important one. Hopefully you can keep these tips in mind to help you and your significant other navigate through this tricky part of relationships.
Sources & references used in this article:
Attachment disorders and disorganized attachment: Similar and different< noteref rid=" n1"> 1 by MH van Ijzendoorn… – Attachment & Human …, 2003 – Taylor & Francis
Parents’ unresolved traumatic experiences are related to infant disorganized attachment status: Is frightened and/or frightening parental behavior the linking … by M Main, E Hesse – 1990 – psycnet.apa.org
Disorganized attachment and caregiving by J Solomon, C George – 2011 – books.google.com