Surrogate Partners: An Intimate Profile
A common question among those who are interested in surrogacy is “What kind of person would I want to have my baby?”
There are many different types of people out there, so it makes sense that there will be some who would like to adopt or raise children through surrogacy.
But what type of person do you think you’d want? How about your spouse? Your best friend? Someone you just met at a party last night? Or even someone you’ve never met before?
There are several ways to answer these questions.
You could ask yourself a series of open ended questions such as “Who am I attracted to?”, “How much do I love my current partner?”, or “Do I feel fulfilled in our relationship?”
. These kinds of questions may seem superficial, but they’re actually very helpful when trying to determine whether you’d be a good surrogate parent.
Another way to get a better idea of who you might want to be a surrogate parent for is to look at other parents in similar situations.
For example, if you had two friends who were considering surrogacy, which one would make the most suitable mother? Would it be easier for them to choose between their friend or themselves?
If you answered “selfishly”, then perhaps it wouldn’t be a good idea for you either. In fact, maybe not even possible.
However, you may find yourself struggling to find suitable parents. Perhaps your two friends who wanted a baby were very close to you, but just didn’t work out for one reason or the other. In that case, you need a fresh start. You need to start considering people that you’ve never even met before. That’s okay though, because when it comes to surrogacy, it’s not about “who you know” but rather “who you think will make the best parents”.
The most important thing to remember when it comes to choosing your parents is that you should never do it out of pity. You don’t want to make someone a parent if you feel sorry for them. While this seems like common sense, the temptation to help someone fulfill their lifelong dream of being a parent can cause some people to act out of emotion.
If anything, you should feel good about helping someone who already has a child fulfill their dream of having a sibling. Having siblings and a close relationship with your family has been shown to have many benefits in society. It’s sort of like you’re preventing future crimes or something.
Also, it’s very important that you keep an open mind when considering potential parents. If you come across a situation where it seems like everyone would be better off if you didn’t carry their baby, then don’t do it. As the saying goes, “if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.”
Definitely DOs and Definitely DON’Ts of being a surrogate
Now that you have a better idea of who you’d like to be a surrogate for, you may be wondering if there are any OTHER qualities that would make someone a good candidate.
Also, what about the flip side? What kind of people should you avoid becoming a surrogate for?
Well, it just so happens that there are some easy answers to these questions. People who:
are in traditional marriages (man and wife)
have been married for at least five years
are both the same age (or very close in age)
have similar educational backgrounds (or at least one partner has some form of higher education)
have a stable living situation (i.e. reliable sources of income and a home)
have similar family situations (i.e. no huge family “baggage” or newfound expectant parents)
do NOT have any children already (or at least not more than two)
do NOT have any felons in the family
Now, all of these points aren’t necessarily strict requirements, but they DO increase your chances of having a good experience. For example, even though you’re homosexual and in an Open Relationship, that still counts as a more stable family situation than say…two guys who just met last week. While it’s true that thousands of babies are born to single mothers each year, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the best situation for you to be involved in.
If anything, your concern should not be “will this person be a good parent?,” but rather “will this person ACT as a good parent?
Even if they don’t feel it. Even if they don’t WANT to. Even if they’re lying the whole time.
Will I be enabling bad parenting by choosing to help this person?
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Now before you start feeling like you’re going to end up making a “choosing game” out of this (and if that DOES happen, you can bet your bottom dollar that the choices YOU make won’t be split into “good” and “evil”), it’s important to remember that you’re not solely determining whether you’re going to help these people or not. There are other factors involved.
For example, let’s just say you had two couples that wanted to have a baby. One couple was married, had a stable living situation, were also your age, and also had no children. The other couple was also married (or at least had been at one time), had an unstable living situation (living mostly out of their car and working minimum wage jobs), were close in age to you, but the man had several felonies on his record.
Now, if you were going to choose to help one of these couples, which one would you choose?
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If you chose the second couple, then congrats! You’re a horrible person! Seriously though, the point is: just because someone is a terrible parent does NOT automatically mean you should help.
It’s entirely possible that the second couple could raise a well-adjusted child who goes on to do great things. Maybe they have some incredibly redeeming qualities that make up for their lack of parenting skills. Maybe you’ll really like the couple and enjoy having them as friends. Maybe their child won’t even be that much more of a problem than any other child.
Who knows?
The point is, just because a parent is going to be a bad one, doesn’t always mean you should step in and take over.
But, if you DO decide to help someone, then what are you going to do?
The age old question…
Now, there are a lot of things you could do, but most of them are out of the question for various reasons. For example, you’re not going to say you’ll pay for an abortion if there’s a chance you’re going to be the father. That’s just silly.
You also probably aren’t going to be directly involved in the child’s life. While you might be able to coach a little league team or something, you’re not really up for the whole “father” thing (especially since you still haven’t quite gotten over your own dad).
That pretty much leaves three things: financial support, finding them a husband/wife/partner, or some form of medical assistance. And while you could do a combination of those, for the sake of making a choice, you’re going to have to just pick one.
So, which is it to be?
Financial support? A husband/wife/partner?
Or medical assistance?
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The sexual lives of lesbian, gay, and bisexual people with disabilities: Psychological perspectives by SS Fraley, LR Mona, PS Theodore – Sexuality Research & Social Policy, 2007 – Springer
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Pharmacological tools for hydrogen sulphide research: a brief, introductory guide for beginners by A Papapetropoulos, M Whiteman… – British Journal of …, 2015 – Wiley Online Library
A biopsychosocial theory of infertility by DA Gerrity – The Family Journal, 2001 – journals.sagepub.com
… sexual health in Portugal?= Narrativas de trabalhadores (as) do sexo sobre clientes com diversidade funcional: poderá a formação melhorar a saúde sexual … by AR Pinho, JM de Oliveira, C Nogueira – 2020 – repositorio-aberto.up.pt
A beginner’s guide to gene editing by S Freud, J Strachey – 1915
A guide to computational tools and design strategies for genome editing experiments in zebrafish using CRISPR/Cas9 by PT Harrison, S Hart – Experimental Physiology, 2018 – Wiley Online Library
